the whole story is too damn long and complicated for me to type out. i am disappointed/upset/angry/piss/sad/... Whatever happened to the supposedly strong relationship?
ever since the downturn of the previous relationship, i've changed significantly. i realised it myself. i am no longer the weaker one, i no longer care about little details in relationship. i told myself i can survive myself, i must be independent, i will not cry and fret over bgs. sometimes, i don't even give a damn about certain things which i used to be particular about. maybe i'm over-protective to prevent myself from getting hurt, that's why i never really moved on. i back off when things turn sour. i thought i can cope with my feelings. ha.
it's one of the very rare times i come here to write down all my unhappiness over him. we were too caught up with our own lives that we neglected each other's feelings. it sucks when there is no ending to a quarrel. fuckkkk. i used to be very proud of us in the past cos we could maintain a very loving relationship for more than half a year without a single quarrel. i love it when he always ask me if there's anything i'm unhappy about in the past, and i really can't think of any little thing. honeymoon period you think. i felt that it's just part and parcel of life. the changes in our lives, the different environments that we're forced to adapt to.
it's not the first time i'm saying it's hard to maintain a relationship with the bf in the army. the same thing happened a long way back, now it's happening again. sometimes i wonder does it even make a different if he hasn't been in OCS. how true it is to say that if we survive OCS, we'd be together forever? How forever it forever going to last? Seriously, i never thought of it anymore. i don't like to think and fantasize about how is it going to be 10 years down the road with us getting married or whatsoever. i just feel like i'm in a dream which may/may not materialize.
i hate to be the one waiting for you everytime. waiting for you to book out, waiting for you to sms me, waiting for you to call me at night. actually it's not a very nice feeling, but what can i do? like my friend told me, i should have known it'll be like this, i should have seen it coming, i should have been prepared. Grr. So what. It's just another day when i feel like i'm stretched to my limits. maybe i'm too strong for too long. i feel tired already.
enough about him.
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anyhow, i am trying hard to pick myself up. i know eventually i will be fine. i can't wait for school to start. i can't wait to bury myself in books again. i just settled everything, and i really want to do well again.
cries.